Okay I fess up – once I had an affair with a married man.
It happened so innocently I never set out to seduce him.
In fact normally I wouldn’t even be interested in that kind of man. But between you and me I’ll admit secretly I loved the fact that he was kind of macho. But besides that he was the kind of man I generally disregarded as having nothing in common with.
But the voyeaur in me couldn’t help looking. I mean not that I deliberately spied on him with binoculars – he was always slap in front of my face – what with him obviously being the main man supervising the renovations of the house next door. Every time I happened to glance out the window there he was, either carrying a bag of cement on his shoulders, drilling away or delegating to his team. Did I mention he had a gorgeous body?
On a hot summers day my daisys in the flower bed right next to the fence were begging me for water. I pulled out the garden hose and began to water. I was lost in the swishing water, enjoying the rainbow reflections. I didn’t really get that he was talking to me the first time. When I realised that he was standing still, leaning on the spade and talking to me I felt flushed.
We land up having a long conversation – my flowers had a thorough wetting. I’m feeling quite surprised that we can actually communicate, as I make a mental note to myself to not judge people, especially men, in future. I think nothing of it when he suggests we go out for a drink that evening. I tell him I can’t find a baby sitter on such short notice – I’m a single mom. So we agree he’ll come over for a coffee after his working day.
So anyway the “drink” lasts about 3 hours. We talk about everything under the sun, with lots of laughing in between. Nice. At that stage in my life I didn’t know what I know today about making conscious decisions about the qualities I want in a man, but we’ll leave that out for now, after all this is how affairs begin.
So after the first visit in my home the relationship has changed. Obviously. The man is now a friend – some body whose name I know and he knows mine. Now he is no longer the worker from next door. I also learn that he is the new owner of the house and is renovating it so he can rent it out.
Each meeting, even the casual ones develop into a sensous moment. Some thing is happening even though nothing has happened. Yet.
One evening we are standing at the fence again and he tells me he is married. I take a deep gulp and commend myself for just being friends. Ha, ha….
So the next time we get to talking he tells me he’s crazy about me and would love to actually kiss me but he doesn’t want to hurt his wife. Now I’m totally stunned by this man’s decency and am beginning to feel very attracted to him. He reveals to me that he married his wife because her son was killed in a traffic accident under his supervision. It was a terrible experience for him. Then my mind began reeling, is he just making excuses or is this the truth? I leave it at that.
So anyway turns out he is on his second marriage – has school kids and 2 grown daughters from his 1st marriage.
Don’t ask me how it happened – soon afterwards I felt his arms around me and was mesmerised by his blue eyes. God this is reading like a cheap romance novel… We had become lovers.
One evening we both standing outside on the lawn, and we’re kissing each other good bye. You know the kind of kissing I’m talking about – the stuff you see in movies. Well there was me & him on my front lawn paying no heed to discretion. Next thing I’m down on the ground – I’ve been slapped not by him but by his wife.
She had an idea that he was cheating and had begun spying on him. Can’t say I blame her – after all he was away from home a lot.
That slap made me realise that I was in dangerous territory and maybe this was not a good idea. Shortly afterwards I noticed her car was always parked outside my house even during the day, okay her husband owned the house next door. I ignored it and I ignored him. I just acted like I didn’t know him.
I’m a freelancer and one day I’m out on a job, in those days I still did lots of commercial art. I’m doing a wall for an antique shop and who should stroll past with a ladder on his shoulder?
So yes we get to speaking to each other again. It doesn’t take long and the whole thing starts again. The affair and the wife.
Any way now I’ve got his wife phoning me every 5 minutes calling me names and following me around. I have to go to the police can you believe? I have to lay a charge of harrasment against this man’s wife because she will not leave me alone. She stops phoning and following me because now she has been charged with stalking by me. Phew.
One Sunday afternoon I’m lounging about on my best friend’s sofa – laughing and talking. The doorbell rings and her sister walks in. She begins to tell us that her best friend is emotionally loosing it because her husband is having an affair and doesn’t sleep with her any more. In fact he even told her he just married her because he felt guilty about her son being killed. Uuuh ooh now my ears prick up – nobody even knows I’m seeing this man – I’ve kept it to myself. Then she goes on to say that the bitch he’s sleeping with even had the nerve to lay a charge of stalking against her.
It’s now quite apparent to me that I’m in hot water.
Remember, I hadn’t revealed my love affair to anybody. Firstly because it was nobodys business and secondly because I didn’t feel like hearing all about how a married man will never leave his wife. Truth is I hadn’t even thought about him leaving his wife. I was far too single and busy with my young twins to want a full time relationship with a man anyway. Having him as my private friend come lover suited me just fine. Thanks.
I look up from my tea cup and quietly say, “Hmmm you aren’t going to believe this but I’m the other woman.” You can imagine how they both stared at me. My best friend burst out laughing. Her sister, was not amused.
Now of course the news spread like a bush fire. I was the bad girl – the man stealer and heart breaker. The wife even phoned my mother to ask her what she thought of her daughter being such a slut. Actually my friends weren’t bothered by it but of course there were others that took delight in it.
I do the right thing – I tell him it has to end. After all I wouldn’t like my man having so much fun with another woman. I want him to have fun with me.
I find it incredulous that people get and stay in relationships out of guilt and pity. It cannot be rewarding. I suspect that even if I had never met him their marriage wasn’t happy because when a man and a woman have really found what they are looking for in a person there is no desire for another person. Unless of course you’re just not into monogamy. But that’s another chapter for another day.
Whether they ever reconciled I’ll never know – not going down that road again! But I do know you can save a marriage and you can find the man of your dreams to marry.
Before I forget – if you suspect your man is cheating on you – you can find out easily by reading How to Catch a Cheating Spouse.
I’d love to know if you’ve ever been the other woman or the wife dealing with the situation.
Wow, that was weird. It was as if you were telling my story! Other that the friend knowing the wife, it’s very similar to what I’ve been through. And my married friend didn’t tell me until after he got the goods. It was hard to accept, but I didn’t end it after finding out he was married. It was exciting having a relationship without the commitments. My mom and friends think that it was all his fault. The fact of the matter is, I could have slept with him the ones and broke it off once I found out that he belonged to someone else, but I didn’t. The crazy part is, I can’t say that I will never let it happen again.
Wanda
I’m experiencing something similar right now.
I’m not sure how it evolved to where it is right now. I thought it was going to be a one time thing. I had just ended a long term relationship where the sex had ended something like three years prior and I missed sex. It had been so long since a man had held me in his arms…just the touch of his hand on my arm was so intoxicating. And one thing led to another and we connected like I’ve never connected with anyone in my life. And now I don’t see anyone else. He’s it…and I only see him about once every six to eight weeks (he lives in another state and travels here on business). I know he doesn’t have the feelings I have. And I know I’m not the only one…and I’ve thought about ending it. I know I should. At this point, knowing what I know, I wouldn’t want a “forever” relationship with him…I just can’t break away from “right now”. I know that sounds so pathetic and selfish. I wish I could understand and explain this hold he has over me.
I will determine that I am going to break things off…have every intention of going through with it…and then he IM’s me or emails me…and my resolve melts…and forget it if I am in the same room with him. He has a prescense that just mesmerizes me and I am puty in his hands.
But the guilt is eating me up. I feel like such a terrible person. Even though I know he will never leave his wife, I hate doing anything that could even remotely hurt another person. And yet the thought of never seeing him again is very painful for me.
Thank you for your article. I felt like I wasn’t alone, even if only for a little while.
Autumn
As having “been there, done that” I can only tell you that my life is a happy one now. I have a lovely man who shares his life with me openly. He treats my kids like his own. Compareing those feelings from them I can only say those were dark and unhappy days compared to whats going on in my life now.
You have to make room for happiness and by allowing an unhappy relationship to continue there is no way happiness can come. Get rid of the things that are causing you pain. Fill your mind with happy thoughts of the wonderful available man you will meet soon! I recommend using Emily McKay’s click with him – it’s such a thorough programme on meeting the RIGHT men.
And thank you for visiting my website!
I was in love with a married man. Who happens to be a really great friend of my family. And i come from a big family! It started by just random conversation. He was 10 years older. So the problems i was going thru as a teenager he had been there and he was there for me. I knew him before he was married! And when he told me he was getting married. I brought the couple a gift! Then when i left for college we talked less and less. Then i heard from my sister that he was having problem in his marriage. I only called him to see if he needed to talk. Well that exactly what he needed, a friend. I was that friend. I knew everything about him. He knew everything about me! We live in different states so it wasnt really wierd that we talked so much! However one day i noticed the conversation went from his plans for the summer. To him coming to visit me for my birthday! Which i was so happy about because i never did anything special for my birthday! So he planned out this really cool evening. And he even remembered that i was allergic to tomatoes but that i loved spaggetti! He even brought the benedryl! So after all that and four drinks later. I remember telling him that i love him! And then i kissed him, we know what happen soon after that. When i woke up the next morning I felt no regrets and neither did he! He left and our relationship grew! Til the point we talked all the time an dwould visit every chance we got! I never wanted him to leave his wife, i was to busy with school and my life, plus he has small children. When i realize that i was falling in love with him, i tried to end it. I didnt want to cause the extra drama and his marriage was already strained. We just couldnt let go. Two years pasted and his wife found some pictures i sent him. And she told everybody in my family! We tried to do damage control however she started calling and texting me. We ended it soon after. We are no longer friends and we really dont talk at all! I do miss him! I never wanted to hurt him, or for our friendship to get out of hand!